Big Love

I have yet to find more than one other person who watches this show. I have to admit that when it first debuted last spring I was a bit skeptical. A drama about polygamy, what else could they say that all those ABC after school evening specials hadn't already pretended to dissect at length? Besides, I had already long ago made up mind about polygamy. Not my cup of tea. But one day I stayed tuned after The Sopranos and I was hooked.

I am not about to become a polygamist but I will say that if my son or daughter ever came to me and said they had a strong calling from God to this lifestyle I wouldn't be so black and white about it as I was before. Not that I am naive enough to believe that all polygamists lives in huge houses in the suburbs and run large chain stores. But I have opened my mind up to other possible types of relationships.Looking back now, I am surprised that I made up my mind so quickly and ignorantly about any type of relationship between consenting adults.

I dated "men" (I never really picked any good ones) until I was 20. But I had always secretly been attracted to women but felt shame for it. Until I met Dianne in the summer I turned 21. She was funny and outgoing, could talk to anyone about anything. When she looked at me with her incredible green eyes and spoke to me those fascinating lips, my insides turned to warm liquid. She was older than me and I was smitten! But I could never tell her; she would have run away screaming "Freak"! I found out she was a lesbian when I was giving her directions to my house one day after a softball game. I told to continue going straight, and she quipped the corniest joke at me "Never tell a lesbian to go straight." I was a bit taken back by her flippant way of announcing her sexuality to me and car full of girls. But mostly, I was excited.


We eventually began dating (I only brought my U-Haul on the 7th date. ;)) and I fell so deeply in love Dianne. I finally knew what it meant to love and want someone who loved and wanted you just as much. I came out to everybody with such excitement. I was so happy to finally be me. My friend Jill often joked that I would come out to the mailman if I was home at delivery time. We talked about the future all the time and when friends of ours found a sperm donor and gave birth to a daughter or their own, I began to see that life could be absolutely everything that I wanted.

But I was so young and she was done with all that I still had to go through. We lived together for three years and when we broke up I was devastated. It was like nothing I had ever been through before; we actually comforted each other through our break up. I dated a couple of guys after that to see if it was just Dianne or was I really gay? But then I began dating women again and I was sure that I was gay.

I was looking for Ms. Right when I met Jaimie. He worked with the cousin I was living with. Such a sweet guy, really easy to talk to. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him. But in that "I really love hanging out with you" kind of way. And one day I just looked into those hazel eyes of his and saw everything I wanted in a partner. I struggled with it for a long time. How can I be gay and want to be with this guy? As sensitive and caring and gentle as he his, he does still possess a penis. I was done with struggling. I had accepted me. I was gay. That's it.

Except I couldn't get him out of head, but he knew I was gay so I felt safe around him. And then one day I (drunkenly) told him that I would date him if he asked. He just laughed at me and kissed me on the forehead and walked over the other corner of the room. Phew, that was close! I pined and pined for him until I was fed up with my own self and I just up and kissed him. We spent three days in my bedroom just kissing and holding each other. Something deep inside me knew that I never ever wanted to let him go.

That was almost 7 years ago. And you what? I have not struggled with my sexuality one bit since then. Obviously I am not gay. But I am not straight either. Most people want to label me bi-sexual, but it always makes me think that there are two sides to my sexuality. If I am with a man the side of me that loves women won't be satisfied and vice-verse. But it's just not that way. As any truthful married person will tell you, you still notice the beauty in others but it's your mate that satisfies you. I often tell Jaimie that I am "Jaimie-sexual". Silly and school-girlish as it sounds, to me it is the absolute truth. He is my passion. He is my light, my dark and everything in between.

I truly hope that if anyone does read this they in no way think I am drawing a connection between gay relationships and polygamy. And even worse that I am doing it with a TV show. So not what I am doing. I am just surprised at myself. For so long I had to re-open my mind up to different relationships in my life that I am shocked that I put a black and white label on this one.

I will be glued to the TV tomorrow night to watch the season finale of Big Love, hoping that Bill will leave Niki and Margie to go back to the monogamous marriage that Barb so desperately wants again. All the while still hoping that Barb can reconcile her decision to live as a polygamist and be proud of herself and sister wives for all they do to keep their family going. And still saying to myself "I could never share Jaimie with another person!" Ahh, the dilemmas TV characters bring to my Sunday evening.